Tony Abbott splits soul into seven horcruxes to be scattered across the land


It is speculated that current Prime Minister Tony Abbott has successfully attained immortality. The North Shore resident, budgie smuggler aficionado, and master of the Dark Arts has become only the second person in history (following former Young Liberal President Lord Voldemort) to split his soul into seven pieces.

A horcrux is an object created through an act of terrible evil in which an individual hides a fragment of their soul, thus allowing them to return from the dead. Tharunka has provided the rundown on the potential location of Tony Abbott’s horcruxes.

A blue tie
It is widely speculated that the first horcrux can be found within Tony’s favourite blue tie. This tie not only contains one-seventh of Abbott’s soul, but also the entire Coalition policy. Said tie reputedly holds magical powers, including the ability to generate meaningful political slogans such as ‘Real Solutions’ and ‘Stop the Boats’.

Red budgie smugglers
The second location of prime overlord Abbott’s horcrux is perhaps one of the most difficult to obtain – the garish red budgie smugglers he often dons. This infamous banana hammock is distinguishable from other horcruxes due to the fact that it was not created by the usual act of evil required, but rather the truly horrific sight that is Mr Abbott in speedos.

Oxford Street
If you were to hide a horcrux, where is one place no one would think to look? Perhaps only the one Sydney location you will never find Tony – Oxford Street. Tony himself has admitted that he feels homosexuality makes him “probably feel a bit threatened … as most people do”, and this, ladies and gentleman, is where we can marvel in the ingenuity of our Prime Minister. Do not fear, however, Clover ‘Hermione’ Moore and Alex ‘Weasley’ Greenwich are on the search, inspecting Arq, Stonewall and every gay pride flag in sight. Let’s just hope they get to it before Cory ‘Malfoy’ Bernardi does.

Gina Rinehart
Just as Quirinus Quirrell served as a Horcrux for Lord Voldemort, so too is Gina ‘Dolores Umbridge’ Rinehart. Abbott, displeased with the media monopoly of right hand man Rupert Murdoch’s News Limited, has backed Rinehart’s bid to further increase her stakes in Fairfax Media. What more could a Prime Minister ask for with both major media outlets directing public opinion in your favour? Who needs an independent media anyway? Let’s just hope Mark Scott can stay strong.

The boats
Tharunka, on good authority, has ascertained that the refugee boats contain a horcrux. This revelation certainly sheds some light on the constant bombardment by Scott Morrison and the Mad Monk on the need to prevent asylum seekers entering Australia and to ‘stop the boats’. Indeed, the illogical ‘Boat Buy Back Scheme’ can only be considered a dastardly attempt to prevent anyone from endangering the horcrux. This horcrux is currently believed to be safe now that Australia has been excised from our own migration zone.

Woman in the Cabinet
The final Horcrux is widely regarded as the most unfindable; a woman in the cabinet (given recent evidence suggesting that Julie Bishop is, in fact, Godzilla). Abbott likely feared that a woman posed a great risk of ‘destroying the joint’ along with his Horcrux and his attempt to return Australia to the 1950’s.

Connor Mulholland