See Food Diet. See Food. Eat It.

By Charlotte Goodsir

 

Dieting is weird. Everyone has this idea that they want to look fit and in line with today’s (utterly terrifying) beauty standards, but simultaneously live off Ben and Jerry’s. I know, because I am one of them. For some reason, even though I know it doesn’t work, dieting seems to be something I always go back to. At any one time, 50% of the Australian population admit to dieting, the other 48% are probably babies and it’s ok for them to be chubby because we all seem to like squeezing their faces.

Throwback to 2005 when The Atkins Diet was all the rage, even Kimmmy K was doing it. A diet resulting in bad breath, a dry mouth, tiredness, dizziness, insomnia, nausea and constipation, but all you can eat bacon and no vegetables promoted a balanced (meat) diet. Although it was questioned and really rejected by many nutritionists, it continues to be one of the biggest fads even today.

Going internationally, there is the Mexico’s Diet tongue patch. Remember when you first got braces and you couldn’t eat anything because you had the rings of Saturn around your teeth? This is the same, but with a medical grade mesh sewn onto your tongue so it’s too painful to eat. The theory is that you will think about what you eat and be less likely to binge. China’s Sun Eating Diet is composed of skipping a meal and staring into the sun for 44 minutes a day. Seems legit right? Like a solar lamp that scares the neighbours cat out of your petunias, you’ll absorb solar energy to fuel your body, rather than scientifically proven nourishment through food.

Not weird enough for you? There is always the Fletcherism diet, chewing each mouthful of food for at least 32 times, or until it was in liquid form. The Sleeping Beauty diet, where you literally sleep so you don’t eat. Kangatarianism, a diet where the only thing you can eat is the meat from our humble emblem #straya. And now, my personal favourite: The Werewolf Diet (aka Moon diet). Stick with me on this one ok, the idea is that since the human body is mostly made up of water (true) and the moon has been shown to affect water (true, for large bodies of water), then we can take advantage of the gravitational pull of the moon on the water in our bodies to detoxify and lose weight (um, what?).

These last few I guess are just ones I thought were interesting/ genius/ plot of B-grade sci-fi:

 

– The Paintball diet

Picture this: a board room, 5-6 markting executives in smart suits sit around a table, “So I just finished reading the Hunger Games Brian, I have an idea for our new marketing strategy”. Brian looks up from his Long Black, “Ahh yes, Roger?” “Well we put everyone into a giant stadium, hire professional shooters and make them run or we shoot them, and there is no-where to hide.” “Roger, you’re thinking of crossfit.”

– The tapeworm diet

The theory is that if the parasite’s eating the food you consume, you won’t gain weight. Rumour has it that opera singer Maria Callas achieved her impressive weight loss in the 1950s by swallowing a tapeworm.

– Luigi Cornaro’s Diet

400g of food a day (but 500g of wine, because yolo)

 

Now we look at these diets and laugh, a tapeworm? Kangaroo? The moon? How gullible do these people think we are? Essentially, we are all a part of this elaborate con. Gyms, health food and dieting cost Australians $6.6 billion dollars annually and with #activewear still going strong this number is only set to rise this year.

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