Dear Miss Aunty lady,
Hi there, it’s Timmy Greenberg here again, I wrote to you last year about helping me not get kidnapped by rapists, and to help my Mummy not be so worried about it.
But now she’s all scared again, because we’re going to America soon for a holiday and she is worried we will all get shot. They’ve got lots of guns over there and she is worried we will get shot.
How can I help Mummy be less worried? She is crying now because all the kid-sized bullet proof vests are sold out on the internet.
Thank you and love,
Whose bedroom window faces the book depository across the road,
With excellent westward winds for easy projectile movement,
And handy tinted windows for concealment of metallic shine,
Honey, we’re all a bit scared of being shot. Even though my chief pains this week have been caused by lack of sleep, stress, and an extremely hot popcorn kettle, I still fear the hot passage of bullets into my flesh.
The question of gun safety could be easily answered by Not Going To America, but seeing as that’s no longer an option, let’s work on Avoiding Going To America. I suggest getting typhoid, or syphilis, or a criminal record.
But if that won’t fly, let’s work on Plan C – Keeping Your Shit Safe In America (Please Excuse Aunty’s Swearing, Little Timmy. And Her Over-Capitalisation). You could do it US-style and just carry your own gun, coz everybody knows that escalation is the best method of self-protection.
But I would suggest escalation in a different direction – carry a ballista or similar siege weapon with you at all times. This will show potential drive-by shooters and creepy men in dark alleys that you mean business.
Dear Miss Lizzette Aunt,
It has come to our attention that you have yet to submit a tax return for the 2011-12 financial year. Please send one as soon as possible, to avoid any penalties in the future.
The Australian Tax Office (ATO).
Dear Brenda Smith in Public Relations,
Shit Bren, I’m sorry, I’ve just been SWAMPED. I’d really love to get some money back from the government real soon and all that, but I’m too busy. If instead I could just submit to you this picture of a pony, and you give me some money, that might just be easier.