Lizzette the Agony Aunt: Kyle Sandilands & Kony

Dear Agony Aunt,

Joseph Kony is a plague upon this earth – may his bones be forever crushed under the feet of those who oppose him, may his eyes melt out his bottom and he view the world forever as shit! Now though, don’t get us wrong; we’re all for his freedom-fighting actions and so on, but his international profile has gone beyond a joke – most wanted criminal in the world? Excuse us, but WE have between us 42 cases of crimes against humanity, and 50 counts of war crimes, as charged by the International Criminal Court. And pissy-little Kony? Only 12 and 21 for each! We would have no more of this Kony demon-worshipping – we have done just as many, if not more, horrendous crimes. How can we raise our international profile and beat down the Joseph fanfare?

The Undar Dogs.

Dear Ahmed Haroun and Ali Kushayb, political leaders during the Darfur-Sudan conflict, now fugitives from international justice,

Now now lads, nobody likes a sore second-place-getter. Nobody doubts that you guys, too, are abominable vicious bastards; but we can’t ALL race so quickly to Kony’s height of international notoriety on the back of viral internet campaigns, now can we?

The truth is, short of running the streets naked at night and masturbating on street corners, there’s only so much attention you can get at speed. Sure the internet did super-duper things for Joseph’s profile, but if everybody took that route, the internet masses wouldn’t take notice anymore, would they?

Rather than continuing to squabble over who’s-the-biggest-murdering-criminal-asshole, I’d suggest that you chaps focus on a new medium to highlight your injudicious acts. Why not take out advertising on banners pulled by planes? Or get some Banksy-type character to scrawl the details of your crimes on walls in various innocuous locations world-wide? The internet does have that shiny ‘new media’ appeal though…but don’t use YouTube; try this great new site called Four Chan. It’s very popular.

Big international profiles are all about thinking outside the box; but then, as genocidal maniacs I’m sure you’ll be right as rain at using twisted logic.

Dear Lizzette,

Those fuckers at the media ‘watchdog’ (more like rutting sideways dickheads, if you ask me) have announced they’ll fine 2Day FM $55,000 PER DAY if any more offensive, derogatory or ‘sexist’ comments are made by me, or anybody else on the show, FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS. What a joke – my freedom of speech is being limited! I should be able to say whatever the fuck I want to whatever slag deserves my anger, whenever because they dare comment on my work, or if they give any indication of sexuality or success. It’s my right under freedom of movement to threaten others and attack their personal appearance on air. This is just not fair!! What can I do to get these mighty powers back into my hands?

PS. Those pants make you look fat. And pluck your eyebrows, you troll.

Sleep With One Eye Open.

Dear Kyle Sandilands,

You foul-mouthed, idiotic, thoughtless, prejudiced Cro-Magnon, you! You completely monstrous human being! What a scurrilous scamp!

Now that I’ve got MY freedom of speech out of the way, let’s just say there’s not much you can do against these higher powers. We all have our outlets for voicing our opinions (this is, indeed, mine; some people are only lucky enough to be able to drunkenly voice theirs at the pub!) The problem is that these outlets can be snatched away from us when we, how shall I put this…mindlessly and viciously attack others for one’s own gain?

The secret, I feel, is to really put those higher-ups in their place with a good long rant on live radio – it’s worked for you in the past, right? I bet it made you feel sooooo much better once you’d said it, huh? Just tell the Australian Communications Media Authority they’re a bunch of wimpy cheese dick cock-munchers, and I’m sure they’ll be so cowed by your use of strong words and convincing argument that the problem will just…melt away.

Failing that, I’d advise your collegues to help themselves by restraining you using those dog restraining collars that give out electric shocks or bad smells. That way, if you even start to form the words ‘titty’, ‘rape’ or ‘concentration camp’, you’ll be stopped in your tracks. They’ll save themselves a shit load of money in the long term, it’ll save your job, and will save our ears from your putrescence. Everybody wins!

Elizabeth Stern