Lizzette: Julia, Tony and Timmy Greenberg

Dear Agony Aunt,

I just don’t know what I can do to be more popular. It seems no matter what I try – having a cool, stylish boyfriend, dressing well, helping out with environmental causes and stuff – people just don’t like me! And there’s this other guy I work with, he is SUCH a jerk, but people just don’t see it. What more can I do??

Big Red, Canberra.

Dear Julia,

I know it’s tough, making it as a small town girl, livin’ in a lonely world. But you’ve just got to face it – some will win, some will lose, and some were born to sing the blues. But if you really want to make it, just don’t stop believin’. Hold on to that feeling – you know, the one that says, ‘hey, let’s try for long-term goal setting and hope to get re-elected despite a long slog of policy and leadership changes and epic popularity slumps’. But then again, if you’ve really got to do the old ‘for a smile, we can share the night’, between-the-sheets business, weeeeeell, nobody can really blame you. You’re just a woman in business after all, how else do you get ahead?

Dear Agony Aunt,

I just don’t know what I can do to be more popular. It seems no matter what I try – showing off my great family life and working values, keeping fit, wearing my cossie with pride – people just don’t like me! And there’s this other chick I work with, she is SUCH a cow, but people just don’t see it. What more can I do??

Bird Purloiner, Canberra.

Dear Tony,

It’s not easy, workin’ hard to make a living; after all, you’re just bringin’ shelter from the rain most of the time. It seems, no matter how many times you tell people you believe in God and Elvis, and get out (to visit the local miners/electricians/sewage workers etc.) when you can, you’ve just got to accept that it’s a complicated land. But the thing about people, Tony, is that they could always come around – life’s too short for burning bridges. Just take things one day at a time, and I’m sure a working-class man like you will do just fine. And if it all goes balls up, or there’s another on-camera cock-up, weeeeeell, nobody can really blame you. You’re just a man in business after all, what else are you expected to think with?

Dear Agony Auntie,

My name is Timmy, and I am seven years old. There have been a lot of child kidnapping stories in the news lately, and my parents are getting really worried for my safety. Despite their helicopter-parenting and the fact that I still wear a leash out in public, they’re real scared that something might happen to me in the big, bad world. What can I do to keep myself safe?

Dear Timmy Greenberg,
34 Westbourne Road,
Kensington,
With the left-hand corner bedroom window with the easily-opened lock,

I can understand your fear – I too do not leave the house without a loaded shot-gun, rape whistle, small puppy for distracting attention, and a colander on my head (but that last one’s just for religious reasons). There are several ways to keep yourself molestation-free, little Timmy – firstly, physically attractive children who look photogenic in news stories are at most risk of abduction. I suggest giving yourself a new unappealing hair cut, or asking an older kid to punch you several times in the face. Secondly, learn to scream loudly, to attract attention in the event of kidnapping. I suggest practicing this wherever possible – shopping centres, family funerals, in the middle of the night. This will also keep your parents alert and on their toes. And finally, it might pay to be friendly with any drivers you see cruising around your street, or strangers you mysteriously find at the local playground. They are undoubtedly there to help any children they might find lost and alone, otherwise why would they be carrying delicious candy in their pants? Constant vigilance Timmy!

Dear Agony Aunt,

I’m young, attractive, British and fabulously wealthy, but my highly-lucrative film career has reached an end with the last instalment of my character’s eponymous movie series. What shall I do now?

Dear Daniel,

Use the Force. No, wait…there’s One Ring to rule them all? Or, ah….remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Oh bugger…Use it well – yes, that’s it! Use it well. That’s my advice – you can quote me. Alternatively, will you marry me? (Just don’t tell my bf, btw).

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