Art by Katelin Jaegers

I’m Sold

by Rosalie Lambert

Welcome! we’re hungry for you. This store has everything you could ever want, anything in the whole wide world, anything you can reasonably afford!

If you want something new, something pristine or something untouched. There are no foul fingerprint smudges, not a shade of rust. No history, no loose threads to pull. Something made just for you, for the thousands and millions of yous…

Our shoes are so sharp they could perform surgery. Our super low prices will send you out of here on a gurney!

The flesh of these apples; so juicy and prime, and this razor-edged knife will skin them in no time! We make sure to throw out the ones with the bruises, it’s not a sacrifice if nobody chooses them.

Oh great, you have cordial. My kids are in need!

That right there is milk, I assure you.

But it’s all…coloured red?

Why yes that’s our schtick; everything red from diamonds to bricks.

Hey, what a cute idea, this store is so fun! It’s eerie how you made the milk look exactly like…

I love these red dresses, so many options. I really can’t choose. These two have the same skirts but this one is more loose.

You could get both, you can never have too many red dresses!

I suppose that is true, I must look my best.

Uh sir, this shirt, it’s got a loose thread.

Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ll take that for you! These threads are like arteries, if punctured or popped, the body must be buried in an unmarked lot!

Are these bags all brands? I don’t want to buy trash.

You’ve offended me ma’am, you consider this trash?

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be brash…

Everything’s new, so fresh off the rack, not frozen or hung or otherwise packed! You won’t find anything second hand or old, those sorts of things have never sold. Did you know our range attracts customers from the world over! They flock to our stores like lambs to a slaughter.

Don’t you mean like bees to honey?

I always get those sayings wrong, thanks for correcting me.

Our foundation will wear you like a skin, and we have buckets of protein shakes to make you feel sallow and thin.

Oh, how that lipstick suits you! You’ll never find a shade redder than ours, we have a secret ingredient. What is it, you ask? It’s so secret, that whenever people see it, we tend to hide it away! I promise you I’ll never tell.

(It’s actually not so secret, but no one bothers to read the label!)

Sir, this one is wet, in fact, it’s dripping with dye! My hands look like Lady Macbeth’s! I’m making a complaint, let me speak to the manager!

Everything red from diamonds to bricks! I hope it’s not too much of a pain.

…then there’s only one downside, really. You’ll have to ignore the stains.

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