If You Are The One



Dear Agony Ibis,

I’m considering going on “If You Are The One”, but I’m scared to do it. My Mandarin is passable, and I’m moderately attractive, but possibly getting humiliated on TV looks scary, even if the opportunity is very exciting.

What should I do?


Am I The One?


Dear Am I The One?

Not many people know this, but “If Are You The One?” is my favourite tv show EVER. While a lock of Jeff Goldblum’s hair remains the best gift anyone has ever given me, the ex who combined my three favourite pastimes- tinder, humiliation and gladiator sports- into a single TV show is approximately as cherished by me as whoever wrote fan fiction about me fucking a glitter cannon (yes, I read it, I love it).

Of course, watching is entirely different to being (the slogan at my local sex dungeon), and so I guess the question is- would I, a bird, go on this show?

The short answer is yes. The long answer is that any endemic fears of vulnerability can be very quickly cured by getting ripped a new one on TV by girls with too much power (incidentally, how all girls should be). Or by stealing a car and driving it off a waterfall, but that’s just a whole other ball game that I feel like you’re probably not quite ready to deal with.

In the meantime, if you decide not to do it and prefer something a little more private, I’m starting my own version that I think adds some of the more exciting elements of TV back into it- that is, cage fighting, live sex, and Jerry Springer-style surprise guests.*

Reminding you once again that it’s not supposed to burn when you pee,

Agony Ibis.


*If you have a half sister that got married to your step father, or you’re just really good at pulling weaves, let me know. We may have a hit on our hands.