How to Make & Use A Bucket Bong in 100 Steps

Procure a bucket.
Procure a saucepan if a bucket is unattainable. A saucepan will suffice; a bucket is recommended for authenticity.
Set aside.
Procure a large plastic bottle. Two litre bottles are recommended. The lid must be intact.
Set aside.
Procure a cone piece. A cone piece can be purchased from any head shop and most good tobacconists.
Make a cone piece if one cannot be obtained. Rolling aluminium foil into a thick cone shape is recommended. Cutting open an aluminium can to roll into a cone shape is also possible but poses a greater threat of bodily harm.
Set aside.
Procure a knife. The knife must be capable of cutting through plastic.
Set aside.
Procure a lighter.
Set aside.
Procure a pen or similarly shaped object.
Set aside.
Procure Blue Tack or chewing gum.
Set aside.
Procure a grinder. A grinder can be purchased from any head shop and most good tobacconists.
If a grinder cannot be obtained, procure a run-of-the-mill kitchen grater.
If the aforementioned is also unattainable, a pair of scissors will suffice. Procure.
Set aside.
Procure a bowl or plate.
Set aside.
Procure tobacco. Tobacco can be removed from cigarettes or purchased separately.
Set aside.
Procure marijuana. Marijuana can be purchased from most friendly neighbourhood dealers.
Set aside.
Pick up the knife.
Pick up the large plastic bottle.
Cut the bottom of the plastic bottle off using the knife. The amount to be cut off depends on the amount of smoke desirable for inhalation. The less that is cut off, the more smoke to inhale in one take/toke.
Set the knife aside.
Discard the bottom part of the plastic bottle.
Take the lid off the plastic bottle.
Set the plastic bottle aside.
Pick up the lighter.
Pick up the pen or similarly shaped object.
Pick up the cone piece.
Set aside.
Burn a hole in the middle of the lid by placing the lighter beneath the lid and pushing the melting plastic aside with the pen or similarly shaped object until a hole wide enough to fit the cone piece is created.
Pick up the cone piece and check if it can fit into the hole created in the lid.
If the hole created is too small, repeat step #38 until the cone piece is able to fit.
If the hole created is too large, pick up the Blue Tack and stick it around the cone piece to hold it in place and to make the apparatus air-tight.
If Blue Tack is unavailable, pick up the chewing gum.
Chew.
Follow step #41, replacing Blue Tack with chewed chewing gum. Blue Tack is recommended as it can be removed. Using chewing gum to hold the cone piece in place in the lid will make it unfavourable for future use.
Place the cone piece firmly into the lid.
Set aside.
Pick up the bucket or saucepan.
Carry the bucket or saucepan to a sink.
Place the bucket or saucepan in the sink.
Turn on the tap.
Fill the bucket or saucepan halfway with water.
Return the bucket or saucepan to the preparation area.
Set aside.
Pick up the grinder or similar but inferior tool acquired for performing the task of grinding.
Pick up the marijuana.
Pick up the bowl or plate.
Grind, grate or chop up the marijuana onto the plate or bowl.
If using scissors instead of a grinder or grater, chop the marijuana as finely as possible.
Pick up the tobacco.
Mix tobacco with the prepared marijuana. The amount of tobacco to be mixed varies according to individual desires. The effect will be stronger with less tobacco but is often not a desirable high. Three-quarters marijuana, one-quarter tobacco is recommended.
Set aside.
Ensure all materials are ready at hand for use – bucket or saucepan with water; plastic bottle; lid with cone piece attached; prepared marijuana; lighter.
If any materials are missing, procure them for successful use of the apparatus.
Pick up the plastic bottle.
Lower the plastic bottle into the water, ensuring that the water never reaches the neck of the bottle.
Hold the plastic bottle in one hand.
Pick up the lid with attached cone piece.
Screw the lid onto the plastic bottle.
Pick up the bowl of prepared marijuana.
Take a small amount of marijuana out of the bowl.
Pack the cone piece with the marijuana.
If there is not enough marijuana to fill the cone piece, repeat steps #70 to #71.
If there is too much marijuana for the cone piece, remove excess marijuana.
Return excess marijuana to the bowl.
Pick up the lighter.
Light the marijuana in the cone piece by moving the flame over the cone piece in a circular motion.
Watch for the smoke which will begin to fill the bottle as the marijuana is lit.
When smoke is noticed, begin to slowly lift the bottle out of the water.
Keep moving the flame across the cone piece.
Continue to lift the bottle towards the water’s surface, without lifting it out of the water.
When all the marijuana in the cone piece has burned out, or the bottle has reached the top of the water without emerging from the surface, cease repetition of steps #76 to #80.
Set the lighter aside.
Slowly unscrew the lid without taking it off.
Lower mouth towards the bottle.
Remove the lid.
Set the lid aside.
Quickly place mouth over the bottle to ensure as little as possible smoke escapes.
Inhale smoke.
Simultaneously with step #88, push bottle down towards the bottom of the bucket or saucepan, without pushing too quickly, and without too much pressure to avoid swallowing bong water.
Once all smoke is inhaled, or the bottle cannot be pushed any further without the risk of swallowing water, remove mouth from the lid.
Hold the smoke in for as long as desirable and/or possible.
Exhale.
Ponder existentialism.
Make up six more steps.