By Hamish Duncan
I used to think I had it all. A good job, high marks at uni, and a wonderful relationship with a beautiful girl. The world was my oyster. But one day my girl said those four dreaded words:
We need to talk.
I was shocked, but I knew what was coming. I picked a neutral place where we could meet, and we had the conversation. She broke up with me.
It ruined me. But after a torturous month of feeling sorry for myself, and gaining an unsightly amount of weight in the meantime, I decided it was time to do something. I took three drastic steps to change my life for the better, and it’s time I shared these steps with the rest of the world. It’s a three point plan for getting yourself back on your feet after a breakup.
- HIT THE GYM
The gym is your friend. In a few short weeks the weight was falling off of me, and my confidence was at an all-time high. Not only did I feel better, but I looked better, and the two played off each other. I also made a lot of life-long friends at the gym, mostly older men.
- REMOVE THEM FROM SOCIAL MEDIA
You don’t have to block, delete or unfriend your ex if you don’t want to, but it’s a good idea to unfollow them; a drama-free workaround to an awkward situation. Seeing their face will bring you pain, especially if they’re with someone new. Ease off on social media and you’ll reap the rewards.
- SEE IF YOU CAN PRETEND YOU ARE ONE OF THE GUYS FROM ‘ENTOURAGE’
This was the key change I made that helped me get over my ex. I’d always loved following the adventures of Vincent Chase, E, Ari Gold, Turtle, Drama, Jayne, Shemp, Crime, and good old Chicjx. Entourage made me want to be a better person, because successful people are inherently better people than you or I. Whenever I watched Entourage, whether it was on TV, DVD, Blu-ray or just the regular way (my ex’s iPad), I could feel myself becoming a better, more successful version of myself.
But the problem was, I was an outsider, looking in. I knew I couldn’t sustain these blissful feelings I was having for very long.
At first I tried taping a photo of myself to the screen, and watching the show with my face in every shot. Sadly that didn’t always work; the photo I used was one of me smiling, but in sad scenes I just looked out of place. When Turtle gets lost in the woods in season 4, should I be standing there on the sidelines, with a smile on my face? No. That would be unhelpful and rude.
And my clothing was wrong most of the time too. When the gang go back in time in season 12 to stop Desmond Jones’ evil twin from being born, I was standing there in my modern day tank-top and cargo shorts, while they had all changed into Victorian-era clothing. I was disgusted with myself over how foolish I was being.
So for my next step, I projected the show onto my wall, and over the next few weeks I spent my nights acting along with with the projection. However, this caused problems; my housemates, for one, were upset with me taking over the living room, and there was that costume problem again…
So I had to come up with a different way of convincing the imbalanced chemicals in my brain that I was, in fact, a member of Vinnie Chase’s entourage (that’s where they got the name of the show) and not just a lowly pleb, clinging to the bottom rung of life’s ladder.
Instead of trying to pretend that I was inside the show, I brought the show to me. I stapled pictures of all of the cast members to various body pillows that I owned and left them around the house. This way I could enter Entourage at will. I could wake up listening to one of Ari Gold’s insane rants. When I was awake late at night, relaxing after lifting weights, I could spread out and hang with the boys. My boys. Entourage.
My housemates eventually moved out. It didn’t matter, because I already had the best housemates one could ask for: the cast of HBO’s hit TV show Entourage. Turtle. E. Joe Gippman. Ari Gold. And who could forget the Drama Man, TV’s most beloved thespian?
They were my friends, and they were there with me, in full three-dimensional quality. And at night, I spooned them and told them my secrets.
Before long, I didn’t even think about my ex, didn’t think about the way her deceit tore my heart apart like a hungry dog tearing into a loaf of rye bread. All I felt was acceptance, forgiveness, entourage.
And I think if you try this method, you could feel the same way too.
Entourage went off the air in September 2011. I believe that day was the beginning of the end of all human civilisation. I pray that an icy wind will emerge from the poles and freeze all of society.
Until then, I have my Entourage.
Hamish Duncan was born in Melbourne and lives in Marrickville. He is currently completing a Criminology & Criminal Justice degree at UNSW. He has previously written for Acidic Fiction, The Rumpus and Toppermost.