By Jayden Rathsam-Hua
good morning everybody I hope you are having the best day of your life. what do you call a tiny turtle? a snail. all jokes aside it’s time to get serious now okay. A lot of us have problems and above and underneath the skin and no one is perfect but it’s 2016 and it’s time to talk about a disability that has been considered tattoo for just too long. as a professional research scientist journalist I went to my favourite website: www.bing.com.au to look for answers and guess what? I found out that half of the world’s population suffers from this disorder. it’s time to raise awareness. time to make a social change as big as the french resolution. I’m feeling so angry and passionate right now just try and stop me and I swear you will die. of course by now you have probably guessed what I am talking about because there is only one thing i could possibly be talking about: girl hands.
if you are reading this review right now and have girl hands i forgive you for reading tharunka from the floor because i know you are too weak to grip the pages. don’t worry. i know how you feel.
i know okay.
every time you are walking down the street and you get caught in an updraft and your tiny girl fingers snap off your hands and fly into your delicate corneas. i know.
you go bowling with your best friend and your girl fingers are just too small to grip the bowling ball and you have to use a ping pong ball instead and only get a spare. i know.
you are at a fun sleepover at jessica’s house and jessica’s mum brings out a bowl full of smith’s twisties by smiths chips inc. and elizabeth rose gets so excited she plunges her girl hand into the bowl because she can not simply wait for a cheesy explosion but all her fingers have come off and now you don’t know whether you are eating twisties or elizabeth rose’s fingers for the rest of the night. i know.
you are meeting with a CEO with a fresh steam pressed suit with funny italian pin stripes and you go shake their hand and your girl hand is crushed into a delicate powder under their grip and you just have to play it cool and laugh about it while you are trying to discretely pick up pieces of your hand off the floor but then you remember that you don’t have any hands left so you just gently parkour away. i know.
you are trying to write an essay on the history of the world and you are gripping the pen in your girl hand but something just doesn’t feel right and you look down and before you know it your little fingers are crawling up your forearm in discomfort asking you to “please stop. please stop for the love of hesús christus” and you become so startled you fling your girl fingers across the room and they burrow into the walls and infect the school water main and your friend comes over to offer you a fresh glass of tap water and there are tiny fingers breeding with the e coli floating around and you know that everything is your fault and you just can not shake a feeling of guilt so you take a vow of silence and no one can understand you anymore because you forgot all your sign language lessons from when you lived in indonesia. i know okay.
don’t scream. there is a solution. bic by bic industries incorporated inc. have created a new product called bic for her and they are pens specifically designed for your girl hands so just relax and BREATHE. the special fashion design is scientifically proven to make girl hands stronger and more able to write legible words on the page or on the wall or on your baby’s face or on any surface okay. the pastel pink and purple colours are proven by forty seven years of research to make girls more smarter with their writing and even become almost as good as man authors like harper lee.
back when i was in my forties and my favourite wife was heaving my heir i remember how big a part a ‘bic for her’ would have played when my baby was björn. everyone was crying tears of joy and fear when my child poked his head out of my wife’s butt. everything was going smoothly until disaster struck like a thunderbolt. the surgeon passed a normal pen to my wife it dawned on me that she would not be able to handle the writing tool to name the child on the birth certificate. she looked at me with sad eyes filled with defeat that i will never forget. to this day my son does not have a name. to this day i wish my wife had a ‘bic for her’ so my son doesn’t need to bow his head in shame every time the teacher does not call his name at the beginning of kindergarten class every day. to this day the lack of ‘bic for her’ on my son’s birth has actually made me allergic to reading.
buy bic for her for her.