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An Expert’s Guide to Life: How to deal with your hard-earned thirst

VB is a very special type of beer. It is not for everyone, and it is not for everyday. It is for those with a hard-earned thirst.[*] And one day, that could be you.

A hard-earned thirst differs considerably from the conventional instinctual drive to rehydrate. Conventional thirst stems from a desire to avoid a parched throat, bad breath, clammy skin, general discomfort and eventual death. Yawn.

Quenching your hard-earned thirst is much more important. It’s less about making electrolytes pump blood to your organs (can you tell that I know nothing about how the human body functions?), and more about confirming your position as a valuable, strong provider for your family/sharehouse. In short, it’s about vindicating your existence.

It’s well known that you can contract a hard-earned thirst from things such as hunting, spear-fishing, bricklaying, ute-driving, miscellaneous repair work, boating, shed-building and hunting. However, a hard-earned thirst can also develop while in Beat Poetry appreciation classes, watching Wes Anderson films and listening to NPR’s online live-stream.

In other words, a hard-earned thirst can strike anytime, anywhere.

Fortunately, one brand has spent the last hundred years helping people beat their hard-earned thirst. I am, of course, speaking of Australia’s favourite beer. Which is called a bitter – but is really a lager. That’s right: VB.

And yes, in the name of quality investigative journalism I actually bought and consumed one for research purposes. Was my hard-earned thirst quenched? You better believe it.

Here’s how yours can be too – in four simple steps.

1. Purchase a VB. Simple.

2. Walk home. Resist the temptation to drink your VB on the street. There are probably children around and people who have just eaten.

3. At home, open the can and proceed to drink. For best results, tilt head slightly back, as though you are speaking to a tall person. Raise the can to chin height and place your mouth over the hole in the can. Tilt the can to a 35-degree angle. Wait until your mouth feels full of beer. Shut mouth, and untilt can. Swallow quickly. Make a noise like “Mmmm” or “Yhhhm”. Repeat until can is empty.

4. Contemplate the end of your hard-earned thirst. The best place to do this is lying on the couch in your living room from Ikea.[†] I prefer face down, but many people find this strange and uncomfortable. Do what seems natural to you. As you lie on the couch, why not mentally draft a thank you note to Carlton breweries? It’s a surprisingly cathartic process. NOTE: Under no circumstances should you contemplate VB’s taste.

 If that doesn’t fix your hard-earned thirst (read: sense of inadequacy created by clever/evil marketing), I don’t know what will. Catchya next fortnight, as we learn how to catch HEAPS of small, inedible fish from Sydney Harbour.

[*] Enjoy responsibly

[†] This will also help with the headache that may have developed by now.

 Dylan Chalwell