Don’t Know Why

By Karan Kaushik

You wake up in a cold, dark room.

You have no idea how you got here.

You’re aware that your whole body feels heavy.

It’s harder to breathe, harder to move.

You don’t know why.

You see a window, letting the sun’s rays in.

You’re drawn to it, curiously.

The sunlight doesn’t feel warm on your skin.

You don’t know why.

You stare through the window.

It’s bright outside. You see cheerful and happy people.

You see someone looking at you. You wave.

They don’t see you. They seem to be looking past you.

You don’t know why.

You long to join them.

Away from the unpleasant and dark room.

You spot a door. You go outside.

It feels no different. Your body still feels heavy.

You don’t know why.

You’re surrounded by a dark aura.

It reminds you of the room.

It feels uncomfortable, yet, familiar.

Everyone outside has a different aura. A bright and radiant one.

You don’t know why.

You think they hold the key to dispelling your aura.

You try to join them.

They don’t seem to notice the darkness around you.

Their pockets hold no keys. Your aura just gets stronger.

You don’t know why.

Your aura, so unrelenting, never ceases to grow.

Forcing you to stop inflicting yourself onto the world.

You long for the room. You long for its familiarity.

You go back, even though you don’t like it there.

You don’t know why.

What is it about this room that beckons you?

Sanctuary to your fears, your regrets.

Reminding you of all your past mistakes.

Lest you forget.

Telling you you’re worthless.

Nothing but a faded memory.

You think it will make you stronger.

But all it does is shatter you.

Yet, you keep coming back.

You don’t know why.

Some days, you stare out of the window.

Looking back on the times when your aura shined bright.

You wonder what happened.

You look back, trying to remember your aura. But you can’t.

You don’t know why.

Some days, you hope someone comes inside.

Maybe they can share their aura with you.

Brightening the room, dispelling the darkness.

But nobody else can see the room.

You don’t know why.

Some days, you cannot bear to look outside.

You just sit in a corner, silently.

Hoping that things get better.

But they never do.

You don’t know why.

Part-time coder, part-time poet, full-time tired. Karan Kaushik loves cooking, gaming, and playing pretend. Can usually be found running late to classes and complaining about all the things he has to do while doing nothing. Is funny sometimes. Would sell his soul for a burrito.