universe

Discourse on the Origin and Basis of Sanitary Products

by Aym Randy

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In the beginning, things were ok. They weren’t great but what even is great? A lot of people try to explain what great is but they’re wrong. What’s that spiderman quote? Some are born great, some become great and some have greatness thrust upon them. Sorry sir, but no one has ever had greatness thrust upon them. Doing anything that results in having cum anywhere on your person is like the adult version of being a child walking around with jam on your fingers. It’s not great but it’s just the way things are I guess.

Anyway, in the time after the beginning, someone realised that once a woman had left the nebulous genderless phase of child and become woman, that she bled once a month from her vagina. They realised that this was a very functional use of the body, completely logical and designed to assist the entire species in the pursuit of continued existence. Subsequently, this person began taking great measures to hide this totally normal act and turn the honest life of living inside a woman’s body into a societally mandated series of deceptions to give the illusion that you are not human at all.

Few have bothered to ask the question why? Probably because asking questions is reserved for job interviews or when your arsehole is locked and loaded but you don’t know where the shitters are, or when you’re an unpaid columnist trying to think of an article. I am all of those things.

So here’s the deal: penises are like these dangling pieces of nothing that can be turned off and on by repetitive mechanical actions. They either look like promises or threats, depending on the circumstance. Vaginas are mysterious, seemingly sentient black holes that beguile us all even when cleverly hidden under skirts and given buzz cuts and made docile by “the man”. Jesus turned water into wine… vaginas turn discharge into life. You decide.

Where men have very obvious genitalia, women have horizonless abysses between their legs. In the words of Nietzsche, “gaze too long into the abyss and the abyss will gaze back at you”. This is evidence alone that Germans aren’t always wrong. We’ve lost so many good men out there, my only advice is that we remain perpetually in damage control, trying to use spin and BS PR tactics to direct attention away from the Monica Lewinsky-level scandal that is the existence of vaginas.

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