By Yvette Hammerschmidt
After years of delays, cost blowouts, and the unending tears of hundreds of small business owners, the day of the Anzac Parade light rail opening was meant to be a joyous occasion. The day started in a celebratory fashion, complete with ribbon cutting and the exciting announcement of a new world record: ‘the longest time to construct…anything.’ But before long, waves surfaced and a brawl ensued at the scene.
Only seconds into its maiden voyage, the once ultra-modern tram line was immediately brought to a standstill as 5-metre high waves, complete with the last of the local population of whales, dolphins, and sharks, crashed into the light rail cables. According to emergency personnel at the scene, the waves travelled 3.5 km uphill from Coogee, in what is being described as a terrifying burst of flash flooding, that of which has only been seen 127 times since the UN reported the world had 12 years to “get its shit together and save the planet.”
The question of what caused the monstrous waves soon became the topic of a brawl before the light rail, chaos ensuing amidst the flood of waves. The heated conversation, comparable to the present state of our climate, occurred between Liberty Orion – a 25 year old, self-employed climate change activist, and Barry Oldman – a local 75 year old retiree.
Constable Clifford of the local Randwick Police, issued a statement post-incident saying “as our goal is to ensure society’s decorum, we were naturally busy fining jaywalkers on Anzac Parade at the time and threatening youths who were suspiciously laughing too much.
However, the deafening shrill of the elderly man and the bright-haired woman involved, caused us to abandon our duties.”
As the waves subsided, those involved were interviewed at the scene.
Despite clear evidence that the catastrophic event would have otherwise been impossible if the climate had maintained the stability of the last 400 years, Oldman told police “that purple-haired leftie is the problem” and explained that the monstrous waves were “actually part of a natural cycle”, before arguing that climate change is not real because of “something to do with the polar vortex”, which he cited as “further proof it’s still cold, aye?”
He continued, “I don’t suppose you’ve heard of Sco-Mo? A few years ago, the bloke kissed some coal like you’d kiss ya sheila! After seeing the lust in his eyes, I knew we had nothin’ to worry about.”
The other named culprit, Liberty Orion, told police “old people like him are the reason for climate change. He raves about how mining creates jobs but he’s too old to even work… I bet he still drinks the breast-milk of cows too!”
When asked her reasons for her anger toward the elderly, despite not contributing to the economy with a paid job herself, Liberty said “I work very hard shouting at people on the street. How else will they start caring about the planet?”
A recent study revealed that 97% of peer-reviewed papers agree climate change is real and that humans are the main cause of recent climate catastrophes, including the recent wildfires that resulted in the saddening destruction of an architectural landmark – the beloved UTS Tower.
When asked what she saw of the brawl, key witness Molly Peters, a 21 year old aspiring influencer and student of Media at UNSW stated “I was like… actually looking at Kylie Jenner’s new post where she suggested breathing less to like…stop CO2 output. It even helps you lose weight. So amazing!”
When asked what she is doing to combat the climate crisis, Molly said “personally, I use a keep cup”, which she showed off to cameras, holding a plastic water bottle in her other hand.
Digby Thatcher, Vaucluse native and student of Commerce at UNSW, has plans to become a big-time corporate CEO like his Dad, plans which were disturbed by the brawl that occurred.
“Today was my first time on public transport,” he said.
Even though the light rail is state-of-the-art and still free of gum litter and graffiti, Digby claimed “I’m going back to getting dropped off in the Porsche. Nothing beats the smell of diesel fuel.”
Thatcher’s own ideas about the catalyst for the abnormal waves echoed Barry’s. “Even though animals are going extinct and every day feels like summer, we really need a stable economy” he said, contradicting the finding that the economy will be further screwed as climate change worsens.
What is shown by the events of today is that humans favour a robust debate over meaningful action, especially when there’s nothing to debate. At the centre of the issue however, is the idea that despite science solving a multitude of issues and increasing our understanding of the world 100-fold, what remains most powerful is humanity’s inherent self-interest, and steadfast belief some hold that they know more than scientists.
Final year Commerce/Media student and a walking cliche: spends all her money on restaurants, tells everyone avocado is a “superfood”, talks to dogs like babies and looks weird doing it.
“She loves animals even more than me!” – David Attenborough