Baking With Bronwyn!

Lauren McCracken 

The lady doth bake very much.
The lady doth bake very much.

Joining us for her regular dessert column is glass ceiling smasher and crazy old deadwood, Bronwyn Bishop. This week, the outspoken monarchist, evidence ignorer and racist lady teaches us how to make her famed Cheesecake Of No Confidence.

Step 1.

Take your COMCAR to your nearest David Jones Food Hall for a quick grocery shop. When cooking, I try to use the best ingredients available, so I always look for brands that have been awarded a Royal Warrant by Her Majesty The Queen. For the biscuit base, you will need some royally endorsed bickies, which can only mean Walkers Shortbread. $24.95 a tin may seem expensive, but it’s a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Step 2.

Walk briskly to the cheese section and ask for the dairyman’s finest Neufchâtel. Tell the shop assistant a bland story about the time you tried Neufchâtel straight from the farm in Normandy in 1986. Or was it ’87? No, that was the year I was elected to the Senate. Fantastic dairy region Normandy – very little wine is produced there though. For that you have to go to lower Normandy, which we also did in ’86…

If the shop assistant interrupts your story, have them ejected from the room for at least one hour.

Step 3.

Take the COMCAR back to your Northern Beaches home, preferably in an electorate you have reigned over for 20 years. Cheesecake tastes so much better when it’s been made in God’s own country.

Step 4.

Prepare ingredients according to the recipe provided to you by a producer of ABC’s Kitchen Cabinet. While making the cake, take the opportunity to reveal some carefully calculated vulnerability and wit to Annabel Crabb.

Step 5.

Salt with the tears of leadership ambitions unrealised.

Step 6.

Chill the cheesecake overnight. Or, if short on time, with a disdainful gaze that I would usually reserve for republicans, Muslim schoolgirls wearing hijabs, medical experts opposed to tobacco advertising and anyone else who threatens the Australian way of life.

Step 7.

Eat after successfully defeating a vote of no confidence in your ability to act impartially as Speaker. Or, if you’re feeling a little bit cheeky, evict everyone but the Coalition from the chamber and spend the rest of Question Time sharing the cake with friends.