If you’re bored of weaving caveats for children in developing nations out of recycled newspaper, learning the tenets of Hinduism from the Qu’ran or just want something to vlog about before it gets down the clothesline, then Wankie has just the gluten-free vegan cupcake for you.
If you haven’t already heard of Svpply, the ‘social, online retail “discovery” site’, then you need to grab your monocle ASAP, weave a daisy chain pronto and Instagram yourself standing pigeon-toed whilst lazily reading this article in a field of Pattersons Curse (calling it a noxious weed is soo homo-centric).
According to its website, Svpply “exposes you to smaller shops, higher-quality merchandise from artisans or from more local manufacturers. It’s all about buying smarter and buying cooler”. This gets rid of all the effort you have to go to removing the “H&M” tags from your clothes, and with the time you save, you’ll be able to perfect your carpentry/sewing/baking/photography skills. Parfait!
Not that you care, as celebs are totes fin, but indie-darlings Lana Del Ray and Chloe Sevigny have even (probably) been spotting surfing this amazeballs site. You see, Svpply is so bitchin’ because it allows you express your ultra-coolitude persona and shun all that vom materialistic/conformist products by tagging shit you wanna buy. Note, there’s even an option to tag items you already have, which is also a deck way to assert and validate your very middle-class what-the-hell-is-Pho? existence publicly whilst conveying your philosophy of minimalism.
Displaying such material is not only the ace-est way to show your informed and educated progressive views to the world and helps fight tha power, but it also might even help you to nab yourself an ethnic life-partner, who are pretty hot right now.
Nothing says ‘I definitely did not come from La Perouse’ more than collecting finding an ‘other’. However, you’re not going to find them in one of your usual lairs racking up at the cross, so open your mind and head to your local Bhangra dance hall, or an African drumming collective (don’t forget your claddagh ring).
However, If you just can’t bring yourself to stray from your fav techno-folk-synth-swing-patagonian-prog rock genre, some have found that merely reading your favourite Communist Manifesto tome in a different script in public places is a simple but effective method attract foreign attention. Others have found that the lack of pictures could not occupy their MTV-generation attention spans, so if this is you, simply take the cover of your favourite book you never read but Wikipedia-ed for intellectual debates and place it over the That’s Life! you surreptitiously bought. The point is that you don’t need to actually be able to speak the language, for people to think you do, just try to look apathetically superior and simultaneously sexy and you’ll be sweet.
If proceeding with this strategy, it’s best to know your suburbs. Kingsford’s great for sinophiles (and close to uni too!), Leichhardt’s for those seeking Italian stallions, and for those wanting to rock out with Bangladeshi’s, Hillsdale is fab. However, if remembering this information, AND the words to your favourite band The Vagina Economy Gentrification proves too taxing for your uber-superfluously-descriptive-cerebellum, just remember Bankstown is a great all-rounder.
Steer clear of The Shire or the North Shore though, they’re like totes midtown. Whatever your taste, remember, the point is to conceal your ignorance of other cultures. So there you have it! Wankie is all about fusions and blends, so now you’ve learnt of ANOTHER social media site (can there ever be too many?) AND how to help create an omniculture, fuck off and sponsor a child or occupy something. I don’t care.
Briony Jonkers