Dear Agony Ibis,
My best friend and I keep having awkward moments- our hands touch, and I feel a spark. He compliments my outfit and my heart beats a little faster. He fucks me in the ass and I cum like a freight train.
But he’s my bro! And his friendship is the best, I would never want to lose that. What do I do?
I know exactly how you feel. It is very difficult for friends of mine to not fall in love with me (because I am sickening), and I am constantly having to make sure that I balance them in that difficult position between close friend and sexual partner. Over the many years of my life I have come up with a surefire way to make sure that you will always be able to cultivate the perfect relationship with another person.
Allow me to present to you:
The 3 Bros of Platonic, Non-Erotic, Male Friendship
Don’t be afraid to be brotective of your bro. If he’s about to hook up with a solid 5, and you can see a soft 8 in the corner, finishing up vomiting a Jaeger bomb and clearly ready to get back into the party, let him know with an intricate series of hand gestures and whistles that convey exactly the situation he is in. Bros do this for each brother. Let him know you care!
Look to the work of bros before you to get a clear idea of how wonderful being bros is. Barack Brobama and Bro Broden. Wolfgang Brozart and Brohann Sebastian Bach. Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Brovoir. These other bromosexual relationships are the key to maintaining the integbroty of yours.
It’s the word to say when you can’t think of anything else to say. Did you nearly drink beer from the same side of the brottle? Did you stand too close to him in the urinal? Have his fingers accidentally found your brostate? This will solve your broblems.
And I leave you with these wise words from the iconic Brohemian Rhapsody,
“scaramouche, scarramouche, will you do the fandangbro?”.