By Sarah Hort

Image: Amy Ge

Dear Agony Ibis,


Hope this telegram finds you well [stop]. Would prefer to keep this between you and I for now [stop]. Having some beef with the clowns over at Fairfax [stop]. Wondering if you’ve got any tips on how to shut down media sources you don’t like [stop]. Tried to cry defamation on their stories about how much the Libs suck but unfortunately they were telling the truth so court case failed [stop] [paragraph].


Anyway if you think of anything, give my girl on reception a call [stop]. I’ve asked her to type this up but she might be busy spying for the Chinese [stop].




Rupert M




Hello Rupert M,


I feel like we’re in a spy movie! You on your secret dictation machine, me pecking around the rubbish bins behind that dodgy food court on upper campus.


I see your predicament. It’s a real doozy, the ol’ defamation law, what with its defence of truth. I suggest you try a few moves to get the punters on your side. Maybe you could buy Australia’s only cable TV channel and charge enormous prices for literally two or three good TV shows?


If that doesn’t work, time to look at the nuclear options. What about skipping town and fleeing for the States, dodging tax obligations along the way? Even better, have you ever considered phone tapping? That’s a sure-fire way to dig up some dirt on your enemies. I’ve got some contacts in the UK who are brilliant at that kind of thing. 


Let me know if you need me to go through anyone’s rubbish – it’s a favourite pastime of mine.




AI (as in, the robot)