Greek yoghurt is the new Ryan Gosling. Milky white, tangy, and unconventional in appearance among its fellow yoghurt varieties, Greek yoghurt is the hottest trend of this winter in the kitchen… and in the bedroom.
If you thought you knew everything Greek yoghurt is good for, think again. Move over, regular yoghurt, because this exotic option has elbowed its way into ladies’ hearts and pants.
Here at Theo Magazine, we’ve come up with our top 5 tips for making full use of your Greek yoghurt supplies. Say goodbye to half-eaten tubs of yoghurt going rancid in your refrigerator. With these handy tips, you’ll be going through a tub of this bad boy once a week! In fact, if you follow these steps, you’ll soon find Greek yoghurt is good for your thighs — in more ways than one.
Lather yourself up with some dairy goodness, get cracking on ticking the following tips off your to-do list, and you’ll be a modern day Aphrodite in no time.
Surprise your man by going au naturel after bathing in all natural Greek yoghurt, and he won’t be able to keep his hands off you. The tangy, creamy texture will make your skin as supple as a cherub’s, and oh-so-touchable in all its mildly dairy-scented glory.
Theatre in the Sack
Re-enact the famous Greek tragedies chronicled by Aristotle to add an extra spark to your relationship, which has begun to suffer after the unfortunate yoghurt-bathing incident. Keep your use of yoghurt to a minimum while monologuing in tongues, so as not to drive your man away forever with this disturbing new fetish you’ve acquired. Instead, dab a little Greek yoghurt on your wrists, neck and other sensual areas, and allow him to explore your body in ways Herodotus never could (let’s be honest, he probably would have just asked your neighbour for a description).
What to Expect When You’re Sex-pecting
After many wild nights of yoghurt-fuelled passion, you will almost certainly be ready to settle down and push a watermelon-sized human out of your ‘yoghurt hole’. Your partner will naturally resist your mating call, but fear not, because the Greek gods are always on your side. Pay the Oracle of Delphi a visit in Greece with a humble offering of low-fat Greek yoghurt for Rhea, Titan of female fertility, motherhood and generation. She will look kindly upon this waist-friendly offering and watch over you in your attempts to bring new life into this world.
In the event you fail to make contact with Rhea, sacrificing a dozen goats — the true origin of Greek yoghurt — at the altar of Zeus will suffice.
A good relationship can only be improved by recreating the plot of Pretty Woman — with liberal doses of added yoghurt. When it comes to female fantasies, we all know the dream is to never kiss on the lips, and have sex on a piano with a grey-haired Richard Gere. Later, when you are showering, condition your hair with Greek yoghurt to give it a healthy shine that will dazzle the snobby department store sales assistant you have yet to meet into paying you some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
Greek yoghurt is the people’s lubricant.
With these 5 tips in the bag, you’ll never have difficulty attracting or keeping a man again! A handy tip for judging how enjoyable a sexual experience you and your partner have had is to rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how pleased he appears to be, then encourage him to rate how pleased he actually is, following the yoghurt-filled encounter. The average of these two scores should indicate how enjoyable he found the experience to be, which naturally reflects your own feelings as well.
Go forth and spread your inner Aphrodite, and as long as you walk on this Earth, remember: dairy is the food of the heavens.